Let’s be honest.

“I’m tired of regret. I’m tired of guilt. I’m tired of living in the past. Why can’t I just let everything go? I know I’m forgiven. But the problem is that I can’t forgive myself. God has forgiven me. I know that. But I don’t deserve it. Why has He forgiven me? Look at all the things I’ve done. The things I’ve said. The things I’ve thought. All the times I’ve been fake. All the times I’ve walked away. All the times I’ve hurt others. All the times I’ve thought about myself before others. All those lies I’ve swallowed and spit back out for others to trip over. All those times I didn’t hold my tongue. All this hate I have inside my heart. All this time I’ve been so arrogant and wanted everything that I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. All this time I’ve spent focused on ME ME ME! I’m suffocating here! Let go. Sounds easy enough. But my hands are molded shut into an iron fist. I want Him. I need Him. He’s everything! He IS EVERYTHING. He is the air I breathe. He is the ground beneath my feet. He is the joy in my life. He is the color in my world. He is everything to me. everything. Why do I let myself get so lost? Why am I so easily distracted? He gives me one thing, and I’m content for a moment, and then I see something else…and I just have to have it. More than Him? Do I need that object, that feeling more than I need my Saviour? Of course not!…but I just have to try it…I can’t make myself shut my own eyes to keep from getting sidetracked. I can’t put my hands over my ears to ignore the lies that whisper all around me. I should…I could…I have to…So many thoughts…so many emotions. So distracting…so confusing. I don’t want to listen anymore. I shouldn’t have let go…I want to go back…I don’t deserve to go back. I’m afraid of the dark. It looked exciting…not knowing…but I never thought of what lurked inside the darkness, just waiting to steal me away. I want to go back to the safe arms of my Daddy. I love Him, I miss Him, I’m so sorry. Bound in chains of hurt, of lies, of sin, of regret, of selfishness…I’m sorry, Father…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I ignored you, I’m sorry I let go of Your hand, forgive me, and help me forgive myself. I come to you, empty and broken…make me whole again.”

This is the prayer that has been heavy on my heart. Crying out to God. Think of me what you desire. Depressed. Pathetic. Dramatic. But the truth is, we all have light and darkness inside of us. But the real question is, which one are we going to let control us? Lately, I’ve been having a battle with myself. I’m being honest. I’m being real. And if you only want to read the happy, giddy, silly things on my blog, then I’m sorry. But that’s not me all of the time. I have my estatic moments, where I’m filled with joy. And with Jesus, that will consume most of me, thankfully. But I also have my moments…my days…my weeks…my months of darkness. Where I’ve fallen and I can’t find my way out. And I’m sad, and I don’t feel good enough, and where I struggle, where I want to give up and give in. But by the grace of Jesus Christ, I can get up again. When I’m feeling numb, at least I know I’m feeling something. And no, I don’t have to post all of this on my blog. But I know from personal experience, where I’ve stumbled upon someones blog and I’ve read something that they wrote that just absolutely touched my heart. Something that gave me inspiration, that pressed me to pray for them, that gave me relief and knowledge to know “I’m not the only out there who is going through this.” And if I can help others by sharing a piece of my journey to give others hope and encouragement, then I will. This doesn’t mean I’m going to write about my personal life on here and gossip. There is a big difference between gossip, and being real. Bekah and Bethany have a good friend that they’ve known for many years, Deanna. I love it when I can be friends with my older sisters friends. I look up to this girl. She’s real. And she said something that will stay in my heart for the rest of my life. “You don’t have to be right, you just have to do right.” And it made me realize that I spend soo much time trying to convince others to see things the way I see them. And I’ll be honest, with certain people, it really frustrates me when they don’t see things my way. It gets under my skin when people don’t believe me. It’s a pet peeve of mine that I’m not proud of. I can’t stand it when people assume I’m doing something that I’m not, or when someone assumes I haven’t done something that I really have. And sometimes, it seems impossible for me to bite my tongue. When my parents tell me something that I’m already aware of, I have such a hard time sometimes saying “Yes ma’am” instead of “I know.” Because you know, I’m 16 and of course I know everything. (NOTE: laying the sarcasm on thick with the whole knowing everything comment.) I have a hard time returning words of hate with words of love. I love to smile at people. When I go to wal mart, I make it a point to smile at every person I look at. But then there’s sometimes when I go into wal mart, and I’ve just had a REALLY cruddy day, and I don’t feel like smiling. So I see a person who looks like they’ve had an equally hard day, and they could use a friendly smile. But I don’t smile at them. I look away. I continue walking around wal mart, thinking about how horrible my day was, when I look up, only to see someone smiling at me. And all the sudden, and I can’t help but grin back. And viola! That friendly smile just gave me hope, and made me feel soo much better. So the point of telling you this is so next time you go into wal mart, make it a point to smile at everyone you see. You never know how much you’re going to help someone, how much better that one simple smile will make someone feel. I’ve learned something. My life is sooooooooooooo much better when I’m not focused on myself. When all I think about is me me me, and all I care about is me me me, and what I I I have to do and how I I I feel, it gets exhausting, and only brings me down. But when you live for God, and for others…it  also affects how you feel about yourself. When you can help others, you’re also helping yourself in a healthy way. So there are my thoughts.

~ by Hannah on May 23, 2009.