we all feel real inside our skin

I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot lately. And the other day as I was thinking about this, a question popped into my head that a lot of guys ask me. “What do girls really want?” A lot of my guy friends ask me this question. Up until yesterday I didn’t really know. And then suddenly it flashed through my head. “We just want to be wanted back.”
At least that’s the way it is for me. Everyone is different, but I definitely think that a lot of girls feel this way. I struggle with what thousands of other girls face. “Not good enough. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Not enough.” I never feel like enough. I’m not trying to sound all depressing, but I seriously feel this way about 99% of the time when it comes to thinking about relationships. Now, a lot of people assume that since I’m home schooled, that I’m not allowed to date. Well we all know what happens when people assume. Most of the time they come up with the total opposite of the truth. I am allowed to date. It’s my choice. I know my parents would prefer me to wait, and obviously they’re not going to let me go out with some crack head or someone they don’t approve of.  But with freedom comes great responsibility. But anyways, last night I was feeling pretty bummed about being confused about some other stuff and this, so I was talking to my friend, Russell. And he said something that just totally blew my mind for some reason. There is someone out there for me, and he’s going to be far more amazing than any guy I’ve ever met. It just got me to thinking…why give bits and pieces of myself away? What’s the point? Sure, it makes you feel good…but for how long? Most young people who think they are in love, are actually in lust. The question you have to ask yourself is “Is this person the person who I’m going to marry? And if I don’t know, then why am I dating him?” The way I see it, nothing is going to be crystal clear. God isn’t going to come down from heaven and put His arm around my shoulder and point at some random dude and say “Hannah, that is who I have for you to marry.” Gah, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. It just hurts me to see my friends, and my peers giving so much of themselves away. As Christians, we’re supposed to be a light to each other, encourage each other and be there…and most of the time, I just feel like I’m being dragged down by them. Not only do the choices you make affect you, but they affect your family, and your friends…I don’t think we consider the consequences of our actions near enough. “Dating is harmless. I just want to experiment and find out what I like in a guy or what I don’t like.” or the most common question of all “If I don’t date around, then how am I gonna know who I’m going to marry?” and you know what, the answer to that question isn’t very clear to me to be quite honest. But I do know one thing, God said to wait, and that He would bring us someone…I don’t know how, who or when. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is someone out there for me…and I think about him often. I’m not judging anyone who does date, or saying that you’re wrong…but I’m saying for me personally, I’m trying my hardest to wait. I don’t find pleasure in being hurt. And most of the time with young people who are in relationships, they get hurt…or they just don’t care because they crave the drama. It’s easy to say all this, and to say that I’m going to wait, not only to have sex, but also to be in a serious relationship…but it’s a totally different matter to actually do it. Anyways, I’m no where near perfect, and I could be in a relationship five weeks from now. I don’t have a time limit for God to work in my life…He could bring me someone right now while I’m 16 or when I’m 25…He knows when I’m ready. I don’t know what God has planned for me. But I do know that He has something planned for me.

“If we could be the ones to hold on and stay strong, then maybe we could make a difference in someones life.”

we are broken

I’ve been wondering something lately. You know how we get so caught up in life, and what’s going on in our world? Well, almost always, that mindset has a negative outcome. So here’s the big twist. I wonder what would happen if we made our minds and lives do a back flip, and put all of our focus into trusting God and living for Him instead of ourselves. I can tell you right now that we would be so much happier. I know me personally, I tend to live for myself more than half of the time. And let me tell you, it’s exhausting. It’s wearing me down and tearing me apart day by day. I can’t stand to worry about these silly little things that shouldn’t even matter, especially when God is saying “Dude, chill out. Let go, take a deep breathe, and take My hand. I’ve got it covered, my love.”  What do I think?  That He can’t handle it? Because there is nothing that He can’t handle. Sometimes I like to think that I’m some kind of super human, that I should have to carry my own worries, fears, addictions, hurt, disappointment, anger, unforgiveness…if I would just completely let go of everything…then I know I could get over everything that worries me, everything that scares the crap out of me, all those addictions that not only do I seem addicted to, but the ones that seem just as addicted to me, all that hurt, the disappointment that constantly weighs me down, all that anger that bubbles to the surface all too often, and all those people that I can’t seem to forgive…if I could let go…I mean truly and completely let go, then I could get over all of that. Letting go is like being set free. It’s like all that pressure smashing down on you is gone. Don’t get used to the pressure…it wasn’t meant to be there.

the sound of silence

“Yes, they are bad guys; but it is what they do, not who they are.”

so my aunt annettee, and cousins, bryan and trevor are in. And last night we watched Get Smart. Hence the quote. I love it when we get to hang with bryan and trevor because they are some of the most laid back people I know. We watch tons of movies and laugh and play board games and run around. Granted they are guys, and whenever you ask them what they want to do, or which movie they would prefer, they shrug and say “I don’t care.”. So bethany and I have figured out a way to triger a response from them. We randomly suggest the most girly, romantic chickflicks to watch, and then bryan will speak up and say “NO.” and trevor will just shake his head. So we have to work for a response, but we come up with creative ways to get their opinions. So I’m sitting in the living room, in our big chair that I named “Jedidiah” snuggling with a bunch of pillows, and typing away on bek’s laptop while the boys watch some lame football movie. My aunt and dad are picking up my grandpa to bring him back here, and then we’re all gonna go eat at Chilis. And boy am I hungry.

OFF NOTE: danielle, I read your blog where you got a plastic cut, and I just have to say that I feel your pain. those hurts like….like snot! And I can relate, because the other day I got a cardboard cut. I was opening a box of cereal, and I slid my finger under the tab and BAM. pain. lots of pain…and lots of blood, and lots of tears.

Anyways. Yesterday all of us kiddos loaded up and went to Hastings to look at  books and rent movies. I decided to splurge a bit. I always go into Hastings with Bethany to look at books, and it brings me pain because I find all these books that I want sooo bad, but I always resist. Well yesterday I bought three books that I’ve had my eyes on the past seven times we’ve gone in there. I bought the first Aragon, Tuck Everlasting, and The Last Sin Eater. I’m very excited!!!! And they were very reasonably well priced too might I add! After an hour and a half of browsing through books, laughing at books, and being torn over wanting to buy books, reading through books, smelling books, feeling books, and turning through the pages of books, we moved on to movies. I don’t know how many we rented. I lost count of which ones we rented, were going to come back and rent later, which ones we were just going to buy, or which ones we couldn’t decide if we wanted to rent or not. They brought these MASSIVE cd case holders with TONS of dvds in them. Like, TONS. It was a bit overwhelming at first. It’s like having our own personal little dvd store. So pretty much our famly time has consited of eating, playing games, eating, watching movies, eating, talking, eating, running around, eating and watching more movies while we eat some more. Great fun. 

Alibi

“Focusing too much on today  can cripple tomorrow.”

I’ll break that down for you. I know for me personally, whenever I’m worried about something, I dwell on it to the point to where it makes me sick. It’s not healthy. So when we’re too focused on today, it’s crippling our tomorrow.

“What matters is what you do with today. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Live today.”

This is basically the same thing as above, but laid out differently. We have to stop worrying  about life and what’s going to happen. When you’re too caught up in wordly things, you miss opportunities you never even knew you missed. And I don’t just mean opportunities for yourself, but opportunities to bless others. Like I said in a recent post; I was having a really bad day, and I was caught up in my bad day and how it was affecting me, that I didn’t smile at people in wal mart. I know most people probably think that’s pretty lame, that smiling at someone can in no way affect anyone in a positive or negative way, but trust me, it can.

“Does your love for God hinge on things going well?”

When pastor paul asked this question on sunday morning, it completely blew me away. It’s easy to be all like “God is so good. Praise God!” when you just got a brand new lap top for free. But what about when you’ve lost your job? Or you’ve lost a best friend? Or you feel like you’re so stuck in life? What about those situations? I’m not saying you have to be happy and have this grin plastered across your face with your hands in the air dancing around singing “PRAISE GOD!!”. No one expects that, and no one does that. But to be like “This sucks so bad. But I’m giving it to God no matter what it takes. I’m going to trust that this is what He has planned for me, and this is just a detour on a road to bigger and better things He has for me.” I have such a hard time doing that. And I’ll be honest, most of the time, I forget to do that. Because I’m too caught up in what I want, and how things aren’t going my way.

Why can’t we just be content with today? Why can’t we be content with what we have now, even if it’s only one thing. Why can’t be get over ourselves and focus on others for a change? Why do we put God on hold until everything is exactly as we want it? Because honestly, no matter what you think, nothing is ever going to be exactly how you want it. There are things I adore about my life. And then there’s things that I would love to change. But I just have to live with the fact that my life is how it is for now. And I don’t need to sit around trying to change the unchangeable. I don’t need to sit around and think “Well, if I only had this one thing, then I could be happy.” Because you could conquer  the whole world, and own every possession there is to own, and you still wouldn’t be happy. Only God can make you eternally happy.

You know what I hate? I hate it when people come and whine to you about something, so you try to give them advice, and they brush it aside. Or they talk back and say “I know. I already do that. No, that doesn’t work.” I HATE that. It makes me so mad. And I know that’s something that I just need to get over. But it just makes me want to vomit when people do that. So here’s something I have to learn. Proverbs 15:29- “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.” There’s also a verse in the bible about listening to advice. Proverbs 12:15- “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” There’s so many verses about heeding words carefully, and listening to counsel. It makes me wonder why so many people won’t listen, and just brush it aside. It makes me wonder why I didn’t  listen so many times when I should have.

Another thing that I can’t stand is how we’re so negative. Especially about people. I don’t like spending time around people who constantly look for people to make fun of. It’s pathetic. It’s tearing others down to make you feel better about yourself. Proverbs 15:31- “He who opresses the poor taunts his Maker, But he who is gracious to the needy honers Him.” I think this verse relates to all people. It just makes me sad when I’m with someone and they’re like “Wow…look at that person! He’s hideous! Ewww, look at his hair, it looks stupid. Wow, his clothes are so gay. He’s probably gay.” It makes me want to leave. I don’t like putting myself around people like that. Because they’re negativity rubs off on me. Sometimes I find myself looking at someone and smirking and thinking “Wow…” and I don’t like that. That’s not who I am. It’s hurtful and it just makes you look like a jerk. I don’t need anymore negativity in my life. I love being around people that are happy, and encourage me. I like being with people that I can tell them what’s going on, and they listen and don’t demand 80 questions from me, and then we can go on and talk about something different or go hang out and have fun. I don’t like sitting around dwelling on negative things or things that I can’t change.

anyways. those are pretty much my thoughts for this morning.

love is the movement

I am 16 going on 17 innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies
Drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

This is my song right now. Not as in my favorite song. It’s a classic, but when I say it’s “my” song, I mean my age quote. I always have a quote from a movie or song that goes along with however old I am for that year. 16 and 17 have the coolest so far. So when I turn 17, I’ve decided to use a quote from twilight.

Bella: “How old are you?”
Edward: “17.”
Bella: “How long have you been 17?”
Edward: “…A while…”

It’s ridiculous how much I crack myself up. Last week I was at Danielle’s, and I was talking to Jeremiah, and randomly he was like “Hey! On your next birthday, you’ll be 17.” and I laughed and said “No I won’t, I’ll be sixte…woah…I’ll be 17.” It was so weird. It’s summer time. Which also means that glorious 3 month long break. I’m not 100% off yet. Mom still has to check some of my school work before I can officially be off. Anyways. That’s really all I have to say.

over and out.

hardcore days and softcore nights

I’m sitting here at the computer on this beautiful friday morning, nibbling at my blueberry bagel, and sipping my tropical citrus vitamin water. And as I am doing this, I realized something. My mind never stops. At first I was going to say that I had absolutely nothing on my mind. And then I started thinking about having nothing on my mind, and then remembering other occurrences that happened yesterday and throughout this week. I know that more than half of my posts are about my thoughts and how I wish I could understand them. It seems to be my biggest frustration that I can’t even riddle out my own thoughts. It’s almost like a foreign language. I was in bethany’s room the other day taking her some laundry, and I found a piece of paper on her dresser, and it had a quote on it that I love. I don’t know who wrote it, if it was from anything, and sadly, I don’t even remember all of it. The end of it stuck out to me though.“I write because I need a way to be able to think.”and I realized that this totally relates to me. My thoughts always come to life on paper. Now I’m not a good writer like my sister, Bethany, and I dare say that I don’t have the patients to sit down and write a book, also like my sister Bethany has! But I do like to be able to write down exactly what’s inside my head without having to sugar coat it, or worry about offending someone. I have many torn, dog eared notebooks scattered around throughout my room with all of my sacred thoughts and happenings. Most of these blog posts that have thoughts of great importance that I decided to post on here have been copied from my notebook. I don’t like to think of it as a journal. Because sadly, that piece of tomboy is still inside of me. I still call it notebook. Journal sounds to girly for me. When I was little, I didn’t believe in shoes. They were a silly thing that my mom forced me to wear, but as soon as she wasn’t looking, I would always kick them off and stash them in a hiding spot for me to throw back on before I returned to her. It didn’t matter what I was doing, climbing trees, having running races, riding bikes, playing soccer; I was always barefoot. This winter I got into the habit of wearing socks. Unless I was in the shower, I was wearing socks. Mainly because my feet got so cold. But now that it’s summer time, and constant sock wearing season is over, I’m finding my new habit hard to break. Not only do I love my mixed socks (I don’t believe in matched socks. they’re over rated) but I’m also wondering how on earth I did all that I did without wearing shoes when I was younger. Trying to claw my way out of my habit, I ventured out and didn’t wear socks yesterday evening. I decided to kick it up a notch and go outside barefoot. I went into the backyard where everyone else was. Well when I came inside, there was this sharp, poking sensation in the bottom of my foot. And I suddenly realized why I never go barefoot anymore. Stickers. I have a pesky little sticker lodged up somewhere in my foot. Oh, I can feel it alright, but I can’t find it. It’s driving me crazy. Monday my family went over to the Frankland’s (minus the boys because they were in San Antonio for a hiking trip). We ate, laughed, played volley ball, sat outside and talked and had an all around good time. Well we ended up coming home with a kitten. Michaela’s cat had kittens again, and she had several black kittens. Mom has always wanted a black cat, but her dad was superstitious and never would let her have one. Well, shockingly, my dad let her get one. We were and are very surprised. She named him Yoda. I’m finding it a little hard to adjust by calling a kitten yoda, so I’m calling him “yo” or “master yoda”. Ho hum. Let’s see. Last Thursday Mom, Bethany, Danielle and I went to Sherman to go shopping. It was a ton of fun. We picked up my mema with us on the way there. I got a bag that I found a few months back that I really wanted, but it was $30 bucks, and I found it this time for $15, and it was the very last one. And I also got a shirt that happens to be my new favorite shirt with one of my newish favorite colors. Yellow. The past year I’ve started liking yellow more and more. Tuesday night I spent the night at Sarah’s. We went to wal mart and ended up seeing Thomas and Michael there, so we walked aimlessly around wal mart for several hours, goofing off and talking. It was fun. When we got back to her house we watched most of Anne of Green Gables before we decided to call it a night. I passed out around 2:00ish, and Sarah didn’t get to bed till probably a little after 3:00. Jolly good fun. I think I’ve said everything that I care to say.

over and out.

you make my heart smile

alrighty danielle, here is my share of the pictures, now I want YOURS! yippee!

Let’s be honest.

“I’m tired of regret. I’m tired of guilt. I’m tired of living in the past. Why can’t I just let everything go? I know I’m forgiven. But the problem is that I can’t forgive myself. God has forgiven me. I know that. But I don’t deserve it. Why has He forgiven me? Look at all the things I’ve done. The things I’ve said. The things I’ve thought. All the times I’ve been fake. All the times I’ve walked away. All the times I’ve hurt others. All the times I’ve thought about myself before others. All those lies I’ve swallowed and spit back out for others to trip over. All those times I didn’t hold my tongue. All this hate I have inside my heart. All this time I’ve been so arrogant and wanted everything that I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. All this time I’ve spent focused on ME ME ME! I’m suffocating here! Let go. Sounds easy enough. But my hands are molded shut into an iron fist. I want Him. I need Him. He’s everything! He IS EVERYTHING. He is the air I breathe. He is the ground beneath my feet. He is the joy in my life. He is the color in my world. He is everything to me. everything. Why do I let myself get so lost? Why am I so easily distracted? He gives me one thing, and I’m content for a moment, and then I see something else…and I just have to have it. More than Him? Do I need that object, that feeling more than I need my Saviour? Of course not!…but I just have to try it…I can’t make myself shut my own eyes to keep from getting sidetracked. I can’t put my hands over my ears to ignore the lies that whisper all around me. I should…I could…I have to…So many thoughts…so many emotions. So distracting…so confusing. I don’t want to listen anymore. I shouldn’t have let go…I want to go back…I don’t deserve to go back. I’m afraid of the dark. It looked exciting…not knowing…but I never thought of what lurked inside the darkness, just waiting to steal me away. I want to go back to the safe arms of my Daddy. I love Him, I miss Him, I’m so sorry. Bound in chains of hurt, of lies, of sin, of regret, of selfishness…I’m sorry, Father…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I ignored you, I’m sorry I let go of Your hand, forgive me, and help me forgive myself. I come to you, empty and broken…make me whole again.”

This is the prayer that has been heavy on my heart. Crying out to God. Think of me what you desire. Depressed. Pathetic. Dramatic. But the truth is, we all have light and darkness inside of us. But the real question is, which one are we going to let control us? Lately, I’ve been having a battle with myself. I’m being honest. I’m being real. And if you only want to read the happy, giddy, silly things on my blog, then I’m sorry. But that’s not me all of the time. I have my estatic moments, where I’m filled with joy. And with Jesus, that will consume most of me, thankfully. But I also have my moments…my days…my weeks…my months of darkness. Where I’ve fallen and I can’t find my way out. And I’m sad, and I don’t feel good enough, and where I struggle, where I want to give up and give in. But by the grace of Jesus Christ, I can get up again. When I’m feeling numb, at least I know I’m feeling something. And no, I don’t have to post all of this on my blog. But I know from personal experience, where I’ve stumbled upon someones blog and I’ve read something that they wrote that just absolutely touched my heart. Something that gave me inspiration, that pressed me to pray for them, that gave me relief and knowledge to know “I’m not the only out there who is going through this.” And if I can help others by sharing a piece of my journey to give others hope and encouragement, then I will. This doesn’t mean I’m going to write about my personal life on here and gossip. There is a big difference between gossip, and being real. Bekah and Bethany have a good friend that they’ve known for many years, Deanna. I love it when I can be friends with my older sisters friends. I look up to this girl. She’s real. And she said something that will stay in my heart for the rest of my life. “You don’t have to be right, you just have to do right.” And it made me realize that I spend soo much time trying to convince others to see things the way I see them. And I’ll be honest, with certain people, it really frustrates me when they don’t see things my way. It gets under my skin when people don’t believe me. It’s a pet peeve of mine that I’m not proud of. I can’t stand it when people assume I’m doing something that I’m not, or when someone assumes I haven’t done something that I really have. And sometimes, it seems impossible for me to bite my tongue. When my parents tell me something that I’m already aware of, I have such a hard time sometimes saying “Yes ma’am” instead of “I know.” Because you know, I’m 16 and of course I know everything. (NOTE: laying the sarcasm on thick with the whole knowing everything comment.) I have a hard time returning words of hate with words of love. I love to smile at people. When I go to wal mart, I make it a point to smile at every person I look at. But then there’s sometimes when I go into wal mart, and I’ve just had a REALLY cruddy day, and I don’t feel like smiling. So I see a person who looks like they’ve had an equally hard day, and they could use a friendly smile. But I don’t smile at them. I look away. I continue walking around wal mart, thinking about how horrible my day was, when I look up, only to see someone smiling at me. And all the sudden, and I can’t help but grin back. And viola! That friendly smile just gave me hope, and made me feel soo much better. So the point of telling you this is so next time you go into wal mart, make it a point to smile at everyone you see. You never know how much you’re going to help someone, how much better that one simple smile will make someone feel. I’ve learned something. My life is sooooooooooooo much better when I’m not focused on myself. When all I think about is me me me, and all I care about is me me me, and what I I I have to do and how I I I feel, it gets exhausting, and only brings me down. But when you live for God, and for others…it  also affects how you feel about yourself. When you can help others, you’re also helping yourself in a healthy way. So there are my thoughts.

“a lack of color”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s tough growing up. Figuring out who you want to be and which friendships you want  to invest more time in, and which ones you don’t. It’s really all about perspective. And when things don’t reach my expectations, I have a really hard time gaining perspective. You have to use perspective for every detail of you life. I have all these dreams and ideas planted firm in my mind and imagination, it’s just really hard for me to reach out and grab them sometimes. And sometimes, it’s something that I want to yank right out of my head and go for it, but I know it’s not right, so instead of taking it, I have to leave it there to dissolve or save it for when the time is right. Another thing I find challenging sometimes is living for God, rather than myself. I want to glorify God with my words, actions, and the way I live my life. And I’m sure I’m not the only one, but I find myself getting side tracked so easily so often. And being a girl, I have a really hard time controlling my emotions when I just want to let them control me. It’s so easy to get caught up in your feelings and emotions. I can’t wait till the day I meet my Heavenly Father. I can’t wait till the day where I will finally be able to let all of my emotions just consume my heart, mind, soul and body  and just be in awe and wonder of my King. Sometimes emotions tend to hit me like someone just poured a bucket of ice cold water right on top of me. It knocks the breathe out of me, it burns, and for a moment it feels as if you’re on fire, but then the burning sensation turns to cold, and you find it really difficult to get warm. And you really can’t get warm until you’re dry, and sometimes drying off takes a while. It depends on how many layers of clothing you’re wearing and what the temperature is. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone other than me. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. And that makes it hard for me to realize that someone may not care about me as much as I care about them. I’m one of those people who have high expectations for myself and others involved in my life. Sometimes those expectations need to be there, and then other times they’re totally unrealistic. I put a lot into my relationships. Sometimes I put more into my relationships with people, rather than my relationship with God. I put so much hope and trust into people, and then when they can’t hold it all, and they give up, move on, or don’t even realize, and I end up getting hurt, I wonder why. It’s so ridiculous for me to sit there and wonder “why?” when people disappoint me. The answer is so obvious. It’s because they’re human. People aren’t always going to care as much as I do. And sometimes I’m not going to care as much as they do. Friendships and people are always changing. And it’s not always going to be the kind of change you want. But you can find comfort in the fact that it wont be that way forever, because everything will change again. It’s as sure as the next breathe I’m going to take. It’s there. You can feel it. And when you inhale and exhale, you take in the new and let out the old. Life holds so many exciting adventures and a never ending line of friends. New friends and old friends. And something I’ve learned is that you’re always going to be closer to some friends more than others. And you may go through a time period where you don’t have as many friends as you did before, and at other times you may have more friends than you know what to do with. It’s all about perspective and what you do with what you’re given. A lot of people think that what’s going on in their life determines who they are, but that’s not even close to the truth. How you act during those hard times will shape who you become. Emotions are there. They’re always going to be there. It’s okay to be sad or jealous or angry. God created those emotions and He blessed you will the capability to feel those emotions. But you can’t let those emotions depend on how you live your life or your actions.

“Instead of waiting for the storm to pass, get out there and dance in the rain.”–Unknown.
Written by: Hannah Vaughn

Date: May 10th 2009

Thoughts Released In: “The Notebook of Secrets”

my beautiful rescue

At exactly 6:23 this morning, my eyes flew open. My heart was racing, but I didn’t know why. Is someone breaking in, or did I have another bad dreams? It must have been a bad dream, they’ve been occuring so often. Then, a loud crashing sound made my eyes widen in fear. Then, other sounds came to my attention. Water? Ahh, yes. I understand now. Rain. So the crashing sound was obviously thunder. Then a blinding flash of light breaks through the cracks in my blind and the open spaces of my curtains. I blink, eyes tingling from the sudden burst of light. Yes, definitely a storm. My heart rate dances faster, but not because of fear, no, this time it was excitement! I throw the covers off myself, and stumble out of bed like a drunk, and make my way towards the window. My fingers found the smooth feeling of the cold blind shades, and I pull one open, force my eyes open as much as I can, and stare out into the bliss of white. Snow? How can it be snowing? It’s May. Fog? Yes, fog makes much more sense. But not enough sense to make my curiosity go back to sleep along with my body. It has to be rain, I can hear it pouring on the roof. Rain. Lots of rain. So much rain in fact, that I could hardly see the tree that was about 9 feet away from my window. Excitement had now overcome me, and despite my better judgement, I did not crawl back into my bed under my safe covers and lull myself back to sleep. No, this was an adventure. And what 16 year old girl would pass up an adventure. More confidently, and wide awake, I make my way to the door. I turn the door knob, and with a satisfying creaking sound, the door pulls open. I make my way to the front door, the cold tile beneath my feet caused me to shiver. I look around, unnecessarily to check and see if anyone is watching me. Clear. I turn the first lock until I hear a click, the second lock, and another click. The big, brown door is unlocked. Cautiously, slowly, I open the door, with more effort than my bedroom door. I open it a crack, and a fresh new wave of sounds came pouring into my ears. My hand tightens on the door knob, and I’m amazed at what I see. So much water. Wet. Everything was covered. It was like looking out into the vast ocean. By now my imagination was running wild. I squint my eyes, desperate to see more. Yes! I see the trees! They’re angry. Thrashing around wildly. Fear once again, and then awe. Remembrance of how powerful and mighty our King is. Bigger than the storm that He created. More powerful. Yet, so gentle and kind. I glance at the orange glowing light coming from one of the near by clocks. It read 6:28 am. My eyes began to to close. Giving one last, admiring look at the beautiful storm caving in around me. Quietly, cautiously, I closed the door. And clicked back the two locks. Tired, I drug  myself back to my room, closed the door behind me, and sank back into my big bed, and pulled the red covers over me, and snuggled deeper into my pillows, breathing in deeply. My eyes close, and I give one last final sigh. The sounds began to fade, and as one last rumble of thunder roared, and the swooshing sound of the rain, and the flash of light came through, the smile on my face fell. She’s asleep.